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Its been a few weeks since I have written a post and I have to apologise to myself and those people who have some interest in what I write. Why do I have to apologise to myself you ask……well its because I have let myself down. Ultimately thats what this blog was suppose to be about…it was suppose to be cathartic and give me some respite from the troubles that I believed pummelled my brain. I heard it a number of times over the past few weeks… “when are you going to write your next post” ??….my anxiety levels went up as I considered that question and realised that I had neglected something that I enjoyed. In response I tended to blurt out some excuse about being back at work and not having the time but in reality I had slipped back into a mindset that had me concentrating on being back in the police. The thoughts of police work tended to paralise my mind to the point where I forgot about what, and everything that was important to me. I found my thoughts had shifted from that part of my mind that brought me enjoyment back to that area of my head where paralysis by analysis set in and I did nothing.
The other reason for my conundrum was that I struggled to get a real handle on where the blog was going. If you remember I started off writing about my over consumption of pills and the resulting effects of that decision. I was happy up to the point where I said I had hit rock botton (See: Ooch…Finally). From that post on I felt I lost my way. I was trying to give the audience some understanding of the events that led to my downfall so I blasted back in time in a effort to justify what I did…..wrong direction….giving a history of the past fifteen years of my life was never going to cut it…my life’s not that exciting. I thought what I was writing was interesting but when I over analysed it I came to the conclusion that it must of been boring my readers to bits and that they were probably using it as a replacement for sleeping tablets. I wasn’t happy with that and I felt my writing wasn’t hitting the mark…so what did I do…I stopped and I spent the next few weeks trolling through my head in a effort to find something that would ignite the light inside and send me on my way again. The bottom line was I was thinking of what the audience wanted and there was the problem….nope there was my problem.
Its the problem I always have and what I am trying to fix….for me I need to stop thinking about what other people want and what other people think of me….those self inflicting impressions have tended to drive me over the past few years to the point where I no longer just “enjoy the moment” but spend way too much time thinking about the result or the possible result. In the end I do bloody nothing and then get angry with myself and dive deeper into a morose seclusion where I float around in self pity and get grumpy with the people who mean the most to me.
This blog was one of those times and as a result I stopped writing and blamed everything on being back at work and being too tired. I do that with alot of things and I expect we all do to some extent. How many of us try getting fit and in the first couple of weeks get a cold or an injury. Its a bit like starting a diet…as soon as you make a decision to diet the dinner invitations come flooding in…as soon as you stop drinking all your mates remember who you are and ask you to out to the pub. My latest excuse is when I started writing I had to go back to work….and theres my problem…..my work consumes my thoughts…still.
Breaking 56 years of thought patterns is like breaking rocks with a sledgehammer. You have to hammer away for a while before the rock gives in and breaks but once it does you can then chip away at it till its no longer a problem. For me thats the police and although I love it I have to stop it from running my thoughts otherwise it will shaft me up the proverbial and send me back to where I have just come from. So from now I will no longer “try” and do anything because in the words of Yoda “No..Try not…Do or Do not…there is No Try”
After rattling all that off I have decided to carry on where I have left off in this blog. Its taken me 6 weeks to make that decision and I’m happy with it….at least he’s happy with something… I hear you say !.
Thanks for hanging around and see you next time….
Categories: My Story 2016
Hi Mike, Your latest post motivated me to reply. I have been following your posts with interest, I do not find them sleep inducing at all! I think it shows your strength in being able to share your journey, thanks and please keep them coming. 🙂
Thanks for your comments. I’m just hoping I can raise awareness in the police. Slow process though as its a subject they talk about alot but do very little. Not a good look too many cops with Mental Illness !!!
Just keep doing Mike 😊😊😊