Depression within the police was a subject I wasn’t keen to write about when I was at my lowest ebb. As I have written before, you have to be careful what you write as it can have a profound effect on your job prospects. But job prospects and reputations are not the only thing that it impacts on. Writing about about depression in the police and opening up, while admirable, can turn you round and send you back down the hole you just climbed out of.

Anyone who has taken an interest in my blog will tell you that my posts are pretty irregular. A couple of reasons for that…..one, I want it to be perfect as soon as it hits the page…..doesn’t happen…..so half the time it never happens. Secondly, I have always been reluctant to write about some of the attitudes within the organisation…..I wanted to write about the nitty-gritty but that comes with repercussions…not just for me but for everyone else connected to the events that struck me down.

All that makes it very difficult to write about a subject because its hard to get the message across. I have written about my depression and some of the events that took place but I sometimes wonder whether anyone that has read it understands what the hell I was going through. It doesn’t matter now because it achieves nothing and the only one that will suffer is me and the people around me. I’m coming out the other end now, but its still very hard to write about something about a profession while you are still in it. I suppose that’s why a lot of police officers take to the pen once they leave….no stress. There’s enough of that in the police already so why add to it.

I’m a couple of years down the track now and my view of things has changed as I’m trying to deconstruct my depression and look after myself. Problem I have is that I am still motivated to support police officers who are about to embark on a career that has more ingredients for the black dog that most jobs. One of the things I have realised since my return to Auckland four years ago is that I’m not alone with my struggles. You dont have to look too far outside your “bubble” to realise there’s people out there who are constructing their own depression

One thing I have realised is that like me, people put way too many expectations on themselves. In the police its more prevalent. You are part of a big family and a police officers biggest burden is the expectation they put on themselves to fit in and perform. I’d like to say, that the older you get the more you dont give a f**k but that’s not true either. I probably care more about what people think of me now than I did as a new recruit, back then I didn’t know any better.

Young cops today are no different to when I first joined, but now they have a lot more to think about and are way more accountable. That accountability comes with expectations that they are not equipped to meet and as a result it acts as the mortar that can construct a road to depression.

So lets talk about it…….