Now I’m no psychologist, I have had no training and I don’t profess to be an expert in anything.  This is my own story and these are my own thoughts and steps I am endeavouring to take in an effort to put myself back on the right track…the right track for me that is….because everyone has their own path.  I hope what you find here helps.

As stated in One Flew Over the Policemans Nest you all know that I have recently suffered from depression and there will be future posts outlining some personal history that will disclose another episode in 1998.  You could argue I didn’t learn the lesson and if I was honest I probably didn’t, which is why I am here.

At present I am in recovery mode but it has been a long 10 weeks and I’m no where near finished. ” My Recovery” will detail some of the steps I am taking to achieve a sustainable recovery.  What I mean by sustainable is something that works for me long term and leaves me without fear of returning to the hole I have just dug for myself.  For me, that means addressing all of my known weaknesses, my deepest regrets about life and making sure I am on a path that will make me a better person and helps me to handle what life throws at me.

At present I am trying to feel good about myself because that’s what I can control.  These maybe small things to you but when you are depressed you struggle to make decisions about some of the simplest things in life.  I still struggle to decide what shirt to put on in the morning and I get grumpy with my wife when she asks me if I want a coffee because I can’t handle what appears to me to be a barrage of questions.  Your thought patterns slow down considerably when your depressed.

These are some of the things I am doing to make myself feel better.

• When I look in the mirror I’m happy with what I’m wearing and how I look.
• Painting, writing and doing those other hobbies that I have neglected
• Buy those small things that I have always wanted, those things I have delayed buying for whatever reason.  Including a motorbike
• Spending time with family and friends.  Keeping in contact with them on a regular basis.

Ultimately what I’m really trying to do is look internally at those things that sit in the back of my brain that I never disclose to anyone because really they are some of the things that broke me.  I remember going to psychologists divulging some of what I thought were my inner feelings.  They gave me options but I found that if I really looked at myself I actually knew what I had to do, but  I flicked into Michael mode and spent too much time thinking and not enough doing.  We all can take advice about getting fit etc but ultimately we have to change what’s inside and be honest with yourself about who you are and what you do.

For me, I am trying to be happy.  It’s not just about being happy about how I look but being happy about what I do, what decisions I make and where I am in my life.  Until I get that right then I will never be able to handle the other pressures that life will throw at me.

Remember if we feel happy about ourselves the world always appears a better place.  We all know that….we just have to remember it sometimes.