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To “the others”…..I just want to say thank you.

What of them ! And who are they ? For me they are Katrina, my family, friends and work colleagues.  Its anyone who has had someone close to them, whether personally or professionally that has suffered from a mental illness.

As I have progressed down this rocky road I have been cocooned in my own little world and selfishly forgot about all the people I have hurt and all the people who have supported me through my illness.  I got consumed in negativity and that had me forgetting everyone around me who had supported me and helped me to slowly get my head in order.  Many people have told me that I’m a good person and I am good at what I do but when you suffer from depression it’s very hard to turn your head around and take stock of all that.  Instead you concentrate on things that eat away at your confidence.  If I sit down and drift off into mindfulness I can tell you that I have a lot more going for me than what I have against me.  But what controls me ?….yep those thoughts that drive me down the fairway of negativity and ultimately into that hole that is depression.

When I left that office in May 2016 (Back to the Past) I didn’t think about anyone but myself.  I didn’t think about my family or the people I left behind in that building who had supported me for the 2 years I had worked there.  They were all good people and I left with no explanation or thank you.  I still think about them but I throw myself into turmoil when I want to make contact as it takes me back to that overdose and scares the living daylights out of me.   Its like facing your demons and realising you might not like the result.  As time goes by I hope I can gather my courage and face them and give some explanation as to why it happened in the hope that they might understand what I was going through.

Now I’m back in Auckland I have been surrounded by friends, family and work colleagues who have all supported me. I have met a lot of new people and re-aquainted myself with old friends and I know I have a fantastic support network.  Has that made my recovery easier?….yes probably…but I am still throwing my most concerted effort into those negatives that always rise up throughout your life.  I don’t want to but at present I don’t seem to have any control on my minds focus.  I don’t give myself time to take stock of whats going through my head and try to concentrate on the positive aspect I have in my life…I have plenty…but at present I just don’t see them.

I have also come into contact with a number of  people who have told of their experiences of stress and depression since I shared my story.  It’s not easy telling someone you suffer from stress and depression because it’s still seen as a weakness…I don’t think it is, but its still a perception that haunts everyone who suffers from it.  I feel very lucky that people have confided in me about what they are going through and it makes me realise that depression haunts every aspect of our lives. The police are no different, in fact its worse…why?…because no one in the police wants to walk in the same shoes as someone with depression because if they did they’d be tainted with the same brush that we are…they don’t want to go there…but all thats for another post.

All this brings me to the person closest to me.  As I have outlined in a number of my posts I couldn’t cope with any aspect of my life and I relied on others to shield me from anything that would drive a stake through the top of my head.  In those early days Katrina had to vet my calls as people tried to get hold of me.  I couldn’t face anyone and my blood pressure rose significantly whenever the phone rang.  She ran everything for months, the home, the rentals, my life, her life, her work, my family, her family…I was inoperative.  The worst thing about it all was the fact that she had to deal with everything and couldn’t discuss anything with me for fear of sending me over the edge.  That meant that all the stresses and strains of life were on her shoulders with little or no ability to share them with anyone.   The amount of pressure she was under is something that I will never be able to comprehend because I’m not that strong.. but its safe to say that the people closet to a person with depression tend to be the forgotten ones.  There are no websites for helping them to deal with mental illness, it’s all about the person with it.  For every thing she has done I will be forever grateful and can only repay her with my love and the odd bottle of wine.  I can only surmise what she went through and maybe that is something she can outline in a post of her own someday.

As I sit here typing this post it has focused me on all those people who have helped and supported me and Katrina since May last year.  It’s strange because as I think of everyone I realise just how lucky I am.  When I went missing all those people came to help.  They helped me and Katrina….Katrina…who was the real victim in all this.  There are numerous people I could thank but they know who they are and if I wrote a list I’m sure I would miss someone.  So how do I concentrate on those positives…I’m buggered if I know.  Maybe I need to give myself a few minutes a day to sit down in a quiet space and fill my head with all those good people….its easier said than done for someone like me….but in reality….its a must because if I don’t I will end up with another bunch of pills in my hand.  I can say that with confidence because the events of the past few weeks have shown me just how fragile I  am.