All my worldly possession’s were now in a basic sports hold-all. All my belongings had been delivered to Auckland and I was now one of those people living out of a suitcase, not quite homeless but near as damn it. I grabbed my bag from the back seat and looked for the plethora of pills that I was now in possession of. I had three months supply….Aspirin and Atorvastatin for my heart, Citalopram for stress and Temazepam to help me sleep. I had a fleeting thought of taking the lot but I kept saying to myself I just want to sleep, I just wanted some respite from what was tumbling through my head and I thought it was sleep that could do that.
I remember saying to myself that I haven’t had my daily dose of tablets for the day. I grabbed one Aspirin, one Atorvastatin and my Citalopram. They were all good for my diagnosed ailments but they didn’t help me sleep and I needed to. I grabbed my packet of Temazapam and took out two tablets. I looked at the packet and for some reason took out two more. I had the seven pills in my hand and I looked down at them and thought…that should do it.
It was now about 8.30am and I’d had nothing to eat. I then realised that I didn’t have any water. I was never one for dry swallowing tablets and a form of panic took hold as I tried to think of where to get some water that wasn’t impregnated with salt. I then suddenly remembered I bought a 1.5 litre bottle of Pump when I drove back from Auckland on Monday. I hurriedly scampered around in the foot-well of the passengers seat, hitting my head on the dashboard on the way down. I fondled my way around under the seat until my hand managed to grab the plastic container. A sense of relief came over me and it was probably the happiest I’d been for hours. I took the tablets and layback waiting for them to take effect. I lay back looking out the window contemplating what I had just done.
I lay there waiting for the pills to take affect but lack of sleep and constant crying meant that they didn’t have time to do their job and I fell asleep within minutes. Popping those drugs meant that now time became an invisible companion for me as I lost all concept of it over the next few hours.
I remember waking and hearing a car drive in and park a few metres away. I was cold and I got my coat and put it over me. I reached for the Temazapam and took two more tablets, the first lot were not working ! It was at this stage that I started crying again. I remember looking at the two tablets again and thought that maybe if I took the packet and went for a walk I could find a place to lie down and just be on my own. I thought of heading off down the coast to find the fur seals in a effort to distract my mind from my septic thoughts. I figured I would be safe as long as there wasn’t any All Blacks around with a shotgun. I decided against it as I was cold and really couldnt be bothered doing anything except drift off into unconsciousness . Eventually I fell back to sleep. When I woke again I started to get anxious as I realised I wasn’t sleeping. I was waking and as soon as I did my mind catapulted back to all that stuff that brought me here. I grabbed all my tablets again and for some reason took another Aspirin, Atorvastapin and Citalopram. I then popped out another four Temazepam from the blister pack. I remember looking at the pills in my hand before I took them. I thought about taking a load more but couldn’t bring myself to do it. I remember blubbering uncontrollaby and eventually throwing the pills into my mouth and swigging the last of the water. That picture of those pills in my hand and what I thought still haunts me and is a constant reminder of what I did or didn’t do.
A short time later I must have fallen asleep but for how long I’m unsure. Next I was rudely awoken when Vodafone must of got their act together for a split second because I heard my phone ring. I was in a bit of a stupor but I reached for my Samsung phone and saw that I’d had a missed call from Katrina. By this time I think it was about 3pm and although not fully aware of where I was I tried to call her back. Vodafone resumed normal service as there was no connection but that trigger made me want to speak to her. I needed to tell her what was happening.
I turned the ignition on and turned the car around. I shouldn’t have been driving but I’d been making bad decisions all day so one more wasn’t going to make any difference. I remember nothing of the drive, I don’t remember it and I don’t remember what I was thinking. The whole trip was a blur until I saw the Coast Road church…the place we got married 3 years earlier. I stopped outside and checked my phone…2 bars…not bad for Wainuiomata. I phoned Katrina and started crying as soon as I heard her voice. As she frantically asked me questions I looked out of the window and saw a Holden Commodore driving the other way. I hoped they would drive straight past me but I realised it was my work collegues and watched as the car spun round and parked behind me. I couldn’t speak to Katrina as I was crying uncontrollably. The passenger door opened….”give me the keys Mike”……
Categories: My Story 2016