Before reading this post I ask you to take it in the way it was written….in jest. I can’t take credit for the idea as that remains with an old english bobby. I have written it because I need to laugh more and sometimes a blog about depression can drive you to just that….depression…….Mike
The police executive were on a recruitment campaign that was failing to meet expectations and as a result Bodie and Doyle were prised out of retirement in an effort to bolster its anti-terrorist capability. The STG were now seen as defunct because they seemed to spend more time sitting in trees rather than actually turning up at any shooting incident. Even when they did turn up it was after they had spent an hour in front of the mirror wiping the white lint off their black suits and geling their hair.
The executive were also hoping that Bodie and Doyle would bolster the dwindling number of pommie recruits who were recruited a few years ago. Most of those had left when they realised that not all of them would get posted to Orewa. The rest went when they got citizenship. At least this time human resources verified the work records of its latest recruits after it was established that not all the previous english cops were anti-terrorist investigators.
After passing the written test both men were exempt from the Physical Competance Test after showing the PTI their blister packs of medication. One week later they pulled up to the training college in their 1973 Ford Capri and parked outside administration building. Cowley was waiting there with a massive grin on his face. Next to him was a scrawny thin ginger nut in a uniform that was way too big for him.
“Bodie, Doyle” Cowley said. This is the superintendent of the college. “Good Morning Guv” Doyle said holding out his hand. “Please, Please we don’t use those terms anymore, call me Archie” said the Superintendent. Bodie and Doyle looked at each other and thought, who the fuck calls their son Archie !!
“We find that using formal terms like that make our young recruits feel uneasy and anxious and so we use first name’s here”
“Ok Guv” said Bodie, smiling at Doyle. “Hey Guv, whats the story with all the pregnant woman wandering around in uniform”. Oh I’m glad you asked Bodie” he said. “Its part of our recruiting campaign, it was developed by a 22-year-old human resources consultant who has a degree in Zoology. He thought that it was a way of training two people at once and then when the baby was old enough to join we wouldn’t have to train them again. “Really” Bodie said, raising his eyebrows and shaking his head at Cowley. “Surely they wouldn’t know anything when they hit the streets”. “Exactly, no different to anyone else that leaves this training facility” said Archie.
Bodie and Doyle were then shown around the college by Archie. They were hustled up towards a 70-year-old man, well dressed in a pin striped suit. “I want you to meet the patron of your recruit wing”. Archie said “This is Sir Peter Winstin. He has been a politician for over forty years and is now retiring”. Bodie shook his hand but removed it quickly when he realised it was greasy and that it may have had something to do with the man’s personality.
“So why are you retiring Sir Winstin” said Bodie with a smirk. Archie cringed at the thought of where this conversation was going. Winstin said “Im retiring so I can relax and do nothing. “Oh right” said Bodie, “So you are going to do what you have been practicing for the last 40 years” Doyle dragged Bodie off to the college wine bar where he could use his tongue to better effect.
The next day the boys were straight into firearms training. Doyle looked at the rusty old gun in his hand. “What the hell is this” he said to the instructor. “We were using these in the 70’s.” “Oh yes” said Reginald, “I’m sorry about that but we don’t have a budget to replace our firearms because all that money goes on equipment for the STG. “Why’s that” said Doyle. “Well the executive thought that it would be a good idea to spend all the money on their equipment, because it never actually get’s used, so its re-sale value is a lot better.” “What about the poor bastards on the front-line” said Bodie. “Don’t worry about them they have an Iphone X” said Reg.
Bodie and Dodie launched into shooting and plastered the 50 rounds into a hole the size of an eye socket. “Bodie, Doyle” Reg whispered. “Can you please close your eyes when you shoot, like the other recruits do. “I’ll miss the bloody target” Bodie said. “I know” said Reg “But you are making them feel inadequate and we can’t have people better than the others because we don’t have the councillors to deal with the trauma it causes.”
The next eight weeks were spent learning some sort of framework and listening to some sports motivator compare the All Blacks with the New Zealand Warriors. Eventually Bodie raised his arm. “Yes Mr Bodie” said the instructor. “I’m just trying to work out what the fuck this has to do with police work” said Bodie. “To be honest I’m over looking at All Black scrums and listening to why Lydia Ko has sacked her latest caddie”.
“Its got nothing at all to do with police work but I have made millions out of it, so I don’t care. he said. As you will find out Mr Bodie there is no accountability when its comes to spending money” “What do you mean” Bodie said. “Well many men have embellished their CV by implementing failed projects”. “It just happens I drink with most of them.
“Ok then, when will we be learning about actual police work” said Doyle. Archie stood up and said “I think you have a one-hour session on the last day of the course. If we can’t squeeze it in you will miss out, sorry. Don’t worry though, as its not that important anyway. As long as you know “Our Business Plan” and can recite the Treaty verbatim….the rest is irrelevant.
Bodie and Doyle completed the course successfully even though they were asleep through most of it. Both men looked at Cowley as they walked out of the college gates. “This better be a good case we are working on” said Bodie. “Mickey Mouse wouldn’t look out-of-place at that bloody college”.
“Welcome to Disneyland” smirked Cowley.
In the next episode the boys are given their iPhones and learn how to use an app, while they teach collegues how to deal with an incident without setting up a “safe arrival point”
Categories: My Short Stories